What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 02:44
He was dying to do it , i knew.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She married twice! .
Was to survive, this bastard.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So, i spoilt her more .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I never cut or harmed myself..
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We all went to grammer schools
(And it was in our own minds.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was very sick at this time too.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why did you put a guy’s dick in your mouth the first time?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Et distinctio voluptatem magni repudiandae.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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But it wasn’t much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I think the readers, may guess!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Ive learnt so much.
I was 9 years of age.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I could never make a relationship work though!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Would this be the day?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She wouldn,t have been !
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was seconnd youngest,
He knew the spot.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
When she asked me how she looked .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She found it foreign!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Who then, do I blame.?
Put me off passion for life!!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
This is soul school!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
It was going to be , some day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Comes on , in middle age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I said to her
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was scared of men, in general
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was in good health!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I don,t even have a pension.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I waited trembling.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot live in the past .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We were not on the streets..
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
All the time i was locked up.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My life is so biszare .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i lived it daily.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My family never makes their pension either.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She loved him until the end.
What did i know ?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So whats the point in blame.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I write beautiful poetry .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I will be 64.